[SEX] [TMI]
What the hell am I doing setting up an anonymous blog when I ought to be spending the time with Internet porn and self-abuse?
Ethel is out of town, I dropped her off at the airport to fly off to her annual week-long reunion/hen party in Atlanta with some of her girlfriends from her time when she worked at GA Tech, It's been a long time since they worked together but they still get together every year. They hit the Georgia Aquarium, eat at Miss Pitty Pat's Porch, do the art museums, stuff like that. This year there is the added attraction of getting to see the twins.
So Ethel is OK. If I keep my voice calm and serene on the phone with her she can be happy. Ethel is out of the way and I am rattling around the house on my own.
I have stuff I ought to be doing but I tend to spend my time obsessing about the unfortunate side effects of my anticipated prostate surgery. Mostly I worry about my sex life and whether there will be one. I figure, realistically, I have a 50/50 shot. Nervous odds. There is a factoid on hears that men think about sex every ten seconds. Research suggests that this is overstated but nobody disagrees that they think about sex a lot.
This doesn't make us men rapacious predators -- at least not most of us -- its just something that goes on in our minds and affects our point of view. When a heterosexual man sees an attractive woman on the street he takes a minute to review her clothing; he inventories the closures he can see and those he can infer, or which he remember from prior experience. He then knows how those clothes could be removed in the event of an emergency and, that important safety protocol having been established, he goes on his way. I suspect the procedure for gay men may be similar except that a small fraction of them might add in speculation about whether the woman's clothes would fit them and how they would look.
Unfortunately, since diagnosis of my cancer, I have an anxiety bulb plugged in on the same circuit as my libido. I see that same attractive woman and I am about half way thought my inventory of buttons and hooks when this damnable voice in my head says: "Even allowing for the hypothetical latitude generally allowed in idle male sexual fantasies, why would she let you to do that? " or more colloquially: "Yeah, like that could happen."
So since I was diagnosed, thing that usually make me think about sex make me sad, and things that usually make me horny make me anxious. There are two ways to attempt to deal with that anxiety. I can complain to the world in my anonymous blog or I can take the steps needed to stop thinking about sex.
So, thanks for your patience, hypothetical reader, you've been a slight help. But I really must go watch some porn, whack off, and get on with my honey-do list.
